hehehe nape tah aku kemaruk menghapdet lak ni....


aku taktau la cemana nak mengekspresikan apo yg aku rasa sekarang ni... dari pagi tadi ada cikit cedey laaa... tapi aku harap mende ni semato2 disebabkan kesensitipan aku yg berganda dek ada isik ni.... aku taktau la boleh ke fit in balik dalam kuarga aku.. bercakap pun sudah, bergaul pun sudah.. tapi ado lagi topik2 sensitip yang aku takleh sentuh... dan aku taktau la plak topik sensitip tu termasuk la topik baby ni... i fear to imagine how their acceptance will be towards my baby... namun before i find that out, i just want to take precautions la... sejak aku mengalami fasa ketidakstabilan emosi tu, aku banyak ler berhati2 mengelakkan confrontations, stress, and such... so before someone act, let me act first...


my parents always sigh how they cannot see their grandkids often... during their lonely times, kakak dgn iman yg banyak cheer them up... traditionally in the family, the youngest grandkid will be the center of attention, known as "zaman kegemilangan". bila muncul sorang lagi, zaman tu akan passed on.... but, due to turbulence in the family, and the favourite daughter pun dok jauh kat perlis, so the "crown" is still in iman's possession. besides the fact that he is now the fifth youngest... i was hoping my baby will be crowned next. coz giving the conditions of every other grandkids, only mine are the easiest accessible by my parents. but after what happened this morning, i'm having doubts...


not that i'm being hard up for the "crown"... just that i love to see the joyful expressions on my parents... considering the pains that i have inflicted them with in the past... anyway, even if my baby didn't get the "crown", at least it's still with iman.. and i truly hope iman bonded with papa just like i used to bond with him.


i guess this time, my baby and i have to be on our own..... again. i have chosen the path that i wish... i will face whatever consequences arising from it like i usually did... but this time, i'm not alone. i have a new family, treating me so kind, welcoming me with warmth, waiting for me... :-)


and to my sister... i hope she and her hb treat their two elder kids kindly.. i hope she opens her heart and her eyes to see, to investigate, to make amends and rectify what should be rectified... although, having received her recent text that implies otherwise, i pray she will soften and do the right thing as a mother and daughter.


my family has far drifted away from our closeness back when we were in schools.... after so much pains and so much bickering, not enough love are being poured into the relationships... it is there.... but it's not enough..... and the only person that can bring us back together only drove us further apart.... as much as i wish things can go back to like it used to be, i myself cannot help but to drift away as well....